I think I finally have found the right road for me to follow. Although here lately it hasn't been easy, but I keep pushing on

What is this feeling in my heart?
Where are these feelings coming from?
Exactly what is tearing me apart?
I want the one-only to me he should come

Fulfill me, over flow my soul with love
I'll push you away, I do, I must
Cold, so cold my love, my heart
You should stay away, you would if you were smart

Take me, take me now, Anywhere away from here
Hate me, curse me, dispise me, loving me is my fear.
What do you feel, how do you look at me, what do you see?
Bars, black clouds, thunder and rain
A soul screaming to be set free?

I can't have it, but I want it-love
Who is it, where will they be? The one the only ment for only me?
Are you out there waiting in the shadows?
Do you speak to me, call out my name?
Are you beside me thru the meadows of doubt?

No, once again I reach out and ..........Nothing..........Void
Are you there? Can you see me or feel me?
Of course not, I am alone in my own black hole
Slowly, ever so slowly being swallowed whole

In the darkness, I feel safe, hidden behind the light of day.
Fear, so crippling, I shrink away from anyone who gets close
Pain, always there, always hurts.

Heal me with you love, help me see with your sight.
Teach me, show me, help me to over come this fight.

Here I am still going on and on. I have tried so hard to forget what has happened to my marriage. Only I keep playing it over and over. I have come to the conclusion that it must have been me. I did something or didn't do. I am going to make the same mistake again because it is something in me. My x got too close to me, to the real me and I pushed him out the door. And here I go again. I don't want to let anyone in. I want so bad to feel what others feel and live the life that I am suppose to. There is a plan out there somewhere for me, I just can't seem to find it. My journey is wearing me out inside and out. My brain is frazzled because I over analyze everything down to the t. It could have all been different for me. I had someone who was willing to understand me and put up with me and help me find myself and my place in this world and I threw him away just like I do every other good thing in my life. Now all is lost and I am alone. There may not be another person out there willing to connect with me so closely and love me no matter what they find. I have a dark side and I know I have a bright light inside just waiting to get out. I just need to stay strong and continue to pray for help. It will come.

I have really slowed down alot to take a look at what is going on around me. Sad to say, bu there isn't much. I watch my daughter play and imagine the great things she will do with life. I want her to have good memories when she grows up. I do as much as I can with her. It was so cute the other day when we made cup-cakes and I let her and my 3 year old son try to ice them. I think they ate more icing than what landed on the cake!! I want to instill such greatness in them and to teach them to love themselves as well as others. I miss my son when he is at his dads. Daddy doesn't get my daughter often, so her and I have really bonded. My son, on the other hand, is sad and I can't seem to help him nor can his dad. This divorce has affected him more than I thought. I thought My daughter would take it the hardest because she was a daddy's girl and my son was a mommas boy. Now that the tables are turned differntly than I had expected I find myself at a loss on how to help him cope. When I let him go live with dad because I thought that is what he wanted, it was like ripping my heart and soul out. I wanted my children to be with me. Only having one is like me being only half a person. How must he feel. He is there with Daddy and his new girlfriend and he only sees mom and sister once a week. I don't want him to feel like I abandoned him. I would never. I am just trying to do what I and his father feel is best right now. But, it doesn't make the pain any easier to deal with.

I have made some life changes and with everyone there is some kind of drawl back. I got out of an unhappy marriage. Now I have to get used to him not being there and facing challenges alone. I am going back to school so that I can start my own business. In doing so I am going to lose some pay because of class hours. I broke up my family so that my children wouldn't see my so unhappy all the time. Now they are dealing with things that I can't seem to help them with. My son went to live with his father because he was having trouble with day care. We did a trial period, in which, he behaved better. So now it is just my daughter and I. She is dealing with things okay some times and at others I wish I could see into her little mind. I knew it would be hard on them, but I felt like I was strong enough to help them through, but as I am finding out, I can't. When I made a choice to help my family, I thought it would be different than what it has turned out to be. I have made some changes personally. I am trying to overcome the choices that I have made and do better. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and do better and not make the same ones anymore. I just keep praying for some kind of peace to come into my heart and help me to be the person that I want to be. I feel like I am all alone for the first time in a long time. I thought that was what I wanted, but I am finding out that I didn't really want to be alone to begin with. I just wanted to be me. Now in all the steps I take it seems like "Me" is getting farther and farther away.